by StarkAdder » 25 Nov 2019, 22:55
A game OF FIRE AND ICE AND ROSES AND LIONS
by Samwell Tarly of House Lannister
“We should look back,” Wobbly urged as the map began to grow dark around them.
The first morning had dawned clear and cold, with a crispness that hinted at the end of summer. The King was dead, and the Seven Houses of Westeros (well, six really, and a lady on the other side of the Narrow Sea who claimed the throne on the basis of her choice of pets) began to vie for the Iron Throne.
Stannis Barratheon insisted on the crown on the basis of his surname, and the fact that the heir was an unpopular little prat. Cersei Lannister addressed the latter complaint by placing the crown on her own head. The self-proclaimed Mother of Dragons took issue with both of those claims, and invaded from the east. The Starks stayed silent in the North and sent their bannermen to other frozen corners. The Greyjoys tried to catch everyone off guard so they could raid a few villages and steal more saltwives (and pepperhusbands?). The Martells did silent and probably obscene things in the sands of Dorne. And the Martells, in Highgarden, tried to figure out which side to take in the coming conflict.
It soon transpired that House Lannister, House Barratheon and House Tyrell agreed to a secret pact. It was an offer Oleanna could not refuse and, believe me, she can refuse a lot. House Tyrell felt, with its northern and northeastern borders secure, it could afford to take on its old rivals in Dorne, and take on they did. Meanwhile, House Lannister drew the Iron Islanders into a lovely little kraken-trap and consumed them in small bites, dipped in butter. House Targaryen attacked the Barratheon coast and tried to seize the Red Keep, but after a momentary blaze of glory, their House's fire went out first, with a little poof.
Speaking of which, Ser Loras Tyrell led the Highgarden armies into the quickening sands of Dorne, where they soon were bogged down. Many marriages of strategic alliance and/or carnal lust followed, including Renly Barratheon to Mrycella Lannister (or perhaps Tommen?), breaking Ser Loras' heart; Theon Greyjoy to Stannis' stony-faced daughter Shireen; and the Tyrell nymph(o) Margery to some Stark lad up north (Robb, perhaps, or Jon Snow?). Soon after the wedding ceremonies ended, many new thrusts occurred in many lands. House Barratheon tried to collect flowers and took over Highgarden, the capital of House Tyrell, and also told House Dorne to pound sand, taking several of its centers as well. House Lannister conquered Kings Landing and the Red Keep, giving Cersei a place to sit that matched her personality. House Stark began to move out of northern hibernation, taking Greyjoy lands in the northwest and a few Targaryen droppings in the east.
With Highgarden lost, it seemed House Tyrell might be the next to go, but House Lannister held true to its alliance (more on that later) and House Stark and House Martell joined in a stag hunt. House Barratheon was ultimately driven back to its woodlands. House Tyrell repaid its debt to House Martell by conquering its remaining centres (so much for friendship in the game of Thrones, but if you think this is so bad, just look at that little cartoon in the upper left corner and count the knives in Oberyn's back). House Stark and House Lannister quarreled a bit.
At this moment, it seemed a peace treaty among the four remaining Houses was possible, but Cersei's favourite vacation destination is a "power trip," so House Lannister invaded the south, taking Highgarden for its own, while simultaneously attacking what was left of House Barratheon and stabbing House Stark as well. It was a move so low that it was spectacular. But perhaps premature, because all three Houses then seemed intent on sharing the pointy bits of their swords with Cersei personally. As always, she negotiated at this point, demanding a menage a trois instead of a four-way. House Barratheon gallantly agreed to be the odd one out, as Stannis was never fond of bedroom horseplay (except with shadowbabies and ancient red witches, which takes kinky to a whole new level).
And thus, a Treaty was signed between House Stark, House Lannister and House Tyrell, allowed the King in the North to rule over all lands too frozen to be used for farming anyway, House Tyrell to rule the vineyards, flower gardens and giant litter boxes of the south, and House Lannister to rule the parts between them. Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, perhaps because she cannot get off of it. King Robb rules the North with Queen Margery at his side, and in the South, King Loras rules the Throne of Flowers as he searches high and low (mostly low) for a partner, singing "Some day my prince will cum."
Dutifully recorded by Samwell R.R. Tully on this 14th day of the Second Long Summer, in the Year 299 AC.
